Deconstructing the Meme

This is pretty amazing stuff. I’m trying to wrap my brain around what this means in terms of subconscious thought, self image, even reality. What is real? How do we know what is “real” even exists?

Instead of writing about goals, and I’ve got a list I will post eventually, I want to talk about why I’m here and why I’ve chosen the goals I have.

Right now I’m wearing a pair of jeans that are maybe five pounds away from being too big for me. They actually are kind of too big; the crotch hangs down about two inches because they are definitely too big in the waist. Less than a year ago I couldn’t wear them. Back then I thought, “I’ll be happy when I can get into those again.”

Guess what? I’m still not satisfied. Go figure.

I’ve spent my entire life not being content with my body no matter what weight I was, and I’ve been up and down for twenty years now. Not that I’m not happy right now because to be sure, I am! Over the past 21 months I’ve lost 65.6 lbs. I’m ecstatic that I don’t weigh 213.6 lbs anymore. Or 187, where I stayed on a five month long “plateau” last fall. Or even 157 lbs. A year ago, I considered 157 lbs to be the promised land, the fountain of youth, a pipe dream, nearly unattainable!

I happened upon a training log over at T-Nation last night. She is simply amazing to me. I look at what she’s accomplished and I swear I’m almost envious or something. I’m in awe of what she’s been able to do. I don’t know how much weight she’s lost but you’d think I’d be as proud of myself as I am of her? Not even close. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much of anything. Even though clearly I have. It’s weird.

I’ve got some fairly dramatic before and after photos, though I don’t have any befores as revealing as hers unfortunately. I really wish I had her nerve. I mean I couldn’t even take the picture much less post them at T-Nation.

Even now, at somewhere around 19% body fat, I feel like “the fat girl”. I hate the mirrors at the gym, I swear they add 10 lbs, though I’ll come home and stare at myself, naked even, from all angles. OK, well, maybe I am kind of in awe of myself. Just a bit. Really I’m just amazed that I almost don’t hate my body anymore! I can even almost overlook the stretch marks and saggy tummy skin. ugh. I’m even more blown away by the fact that finally I am able to see that, yes, I can, with time and more work, look like a fitness model. It is actually possible for me! It’s only take me nearly twenty years to finally believe I can look good. Real good!

So, why am I here? Well, I’ve been wanting to blog about this topic for a while. I’ve been hesitant because the fat girl in me is still ashamed. I’m afraid someone I know will find me out - that they’ll discover that I used to be fat. OMG! I feel shame. And I shouldn’t. No one should. I don’t want other’s to feel like me. So, I hope by sharing that I can maybe help someone feel good about themselves, to believe in themselves, to see that their thinking is flawed and is probably the only thing standing in the way of what they want but think they can never have. Or worse, I think many people, myself included, don’t even attempt things because we don’t believe our goals are realistic. Less than six months ago I wouldn’t have considered entering a figure competition. Now I’m thinking about doing just that! I can’t believe I’m saying that, but I am. I just never thought my body could actually look like that!

I’m hoping, in sharing where I’ve been and where I’ve yet to go, that I can prevent just one person from living their life being and doing less than they wish they could. That’s no way to live.