Deconstructing the Meme

Apparently, drugs and alcohol, caffeine or whatever makes you feel good, is well, not so bad! Well, for some of us anyway.

Martin says that in the last weekend, he’s completed a 13-mile half marathon that took him a little more than five hours. It would have been faster, he says, but he says he stopped for a beer and a cigarette.

Stress on the other hand? I hear it kills.

I smoked cigarettes for over 20 years. I never got a wrinkle until I quit. I’m starting more and more to look my age. Up until I quit I was still sometimes asked for ID when I bought cigarettes. I quit when I was 40 years old.

Nicotine is a definite stress reliever for me. I still crave when I get stress, even good stress. And yes, it still works. Yes, I’ve relapsed a few times in the past 2.5 years.

After I’d quit, so many people would ask, “Don’t you feel so much better now?” Uhm, nope. I didn’t. I felt like killing myself for the first three months after I quit. Was that supposed to be a good thing?

I’m not exaggerating. I remember sitting on the toilet one day wishing I had the nerve to kill myself. I literally felt trapped here - here, in hell. That’s the worst feeling. I can’t even explain it. I wanted to die but I couldn’t die and that made me feel even worse.

I’ve since read that the effects of nicotine can mask depression. Who knew?

The only thing that kept me here was the thought of my kids and the fact that some stranger would find me in my hadn’t been cleaned in four months bathroom surrounded by my dirty underwear. My damn ego gets in the way all the time. It’s kind of funny now. It was so totally not funny then.

I remember what set me off too. It was getting on the scale and seeing I’d gained 20lbs in about a month. 20lbs on top of the 20-30lbs I already needed to lose. Of course I didn’t stop there. I added 20 more pounds so that I ended up being the heaviest I’d ever been (outside of pregnancy).

I remembered back to how I felt while losing that weight back in the ’90s. I realized I was either going to have to do all that work again, work I swore I’d never have to do again, or stay miserable.

I’d replaced my nicotine addiction with sugar. I was going to have to give that up too? That was going to leave me “feeling”. God, give me numb. Numb is soooo much better.

Trapped again.

Oh, and the title of this post is a line from Queens of the Stone Age’s “Feel Good Hit of the Summer”.

Mom sent me this today. I’m not sure if it’s funny or not. OK well, yeah, it is funny! I think though, that it would be funnier if it weren’t true for so many people.

FWIW, if you feel like this after starting a workout program, you’re working too hard and you need to back off.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this week, my daughter (the dear) bought personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already sore from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members; her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny twit to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that twit Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of The Weather Channel.

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!