I am such a bad bad blogger. I seriously think I have ADD. It’s been bad the past few days. I can’t complete a thought half the time. Once upon a time I had a free psychic reading done. The guy told me “Your mind is a buzz saw.”

Well, duh. REALLY glad I didn’t have to pay for that bit of “insight”.

Add kids who are not really kids, in fact one is technically an adult, who never shut up to the mix and it makes, well, makes me want to do this:

UGH.

So, my final Ultimate Diet week went well. I was down to 134 lbs pre reload. Reload went good, I stuck to my target (whatever it was, I forget now, 5-600g).

Then something happened. I no longer had a goal. Well, actually my goal is maintenance.

Problem: I don’t know how to do maintenance mentally speaking. I’m fine if I have to lose. I suppose I would be OK even with gaining muscle, dunno, haven’t tried it.

It’s this not going anywhere thing that I can’t get my head around, and consequently I’ve put on uhm a few pounds over the past week. I don’t know how many are legitimate fat though. I was 143.5 this morning but I had a “carb up” last night. So, today’s weight doesn’t count. I’d been holding around 142 for the past few days.

Also, I’m am EXTREMELY irregular. I went yesterday but that was the first legitimate movement since whenever the last time I blogged I went was - May 17th - that’s like 12 days!!

I literally look to be a few months pregnant. My abdomen sticks out just like there’s a baby in there. It’s hard like there’s a baby in there too! This soooo sucks so badly, I can’t not describe in words how badly.

I’m full of gas, really bad smelling gas, so much so that I can’t stand myself. It’s making going out in public quite difficult.

And no, I’m not pregnant. Well, if I am, I’m about a month over due. And besides, if I were pregnant, I think my GYN would have caught that before he inserted the IUD.

So, I assume that since this has been going on for a month now I qualify as having IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). Laxatives do nothing useful at all. I’ve been doing max doses of Metamucil and a softener the past 3 days. Fiber’s at 30-40grams. Water is 80-110oz.

I was so excited when I was able to go yesterday I seriously considered taking a picture of it! I feel like that was the last one I’ll see in a while. This makes me very very sad.

The real pain though is that I’m supposed to have the abdominoplasty in 25 days!!!!! I’m starting to worry that if things don’t start moving I’ll have to delay the surgery. I already feel like I’ve put my life on hold until after surgery. I actually HAVE put my life on hold! I do not want any delays. I’m too old to wait anymore. I feel like I’m waisting my life right now. I feel like I don’t have much time left for some reason. I’ve felt like that since I was about 30 years old.

So, not too happy today. I just want this, well, I was gonna say stuff, but really it’s crap lol or shit, literally and figuratively, OUT of me!!!!

Even smoking doesn’t make me go! I tried that a few weeks ago. Nothing. It tasted like total crap and made me really dizzy AND it didn’t work!!! How do I make a mad smiley? So I smoked the whole damn pack anyway. Just cause.

…or something like that.

I just had an awesome workout. I’m either stronger or I just wasn’t pushing enough last week. I may not have been. I’ve never “power” lifted before.  Today I was making faces and grunting like the big boys!

Ultimate Diet 2.0 - Week 2, Day5

Weight 134.5
kCals:  1968
Carbs: 199.5 grams.
Total for carb up: 599.5 - 12g per kg/lbm

Day 6 Workout:

DL:  3×5x175
Flat DB Fly: 2×6x70, 1×6x80

BB Row: 2×5x95, 1×6x95 - Was still in DL mode. Forgot to do 6 reps first 2 sets.
Incline DB Press: 2×6x35, 1×6x135 (Machine). Couldn’t lift the 40s to start the third set.

Leg Press: 1×6x300, 340, 360

Low Row: 3×6x9, 1×6x10
Calf Raise: 1×6x210, 2×6x220, 1×6x225

Glute-Ham Raise (!!): 2×4, 2×3, 1×2. YES! I did this. I didn’t go below parrallel to the floor but, hey, last week I couldn’t do one from even above parallel.
DB MP: 3×6x60

Assisted Wide Grip Lat Pull: 1×6x10, 2×6x8
Chins: 2×3, 1×3.5, 1×4

Tricep Dip, 4×4. And yes, these were unassisted. I totally rock.

My hands are killing me. I don’t wear gloves for deads or chins. They seem to make it harder. I use ‘em for low row and DBs because those handles are sharp and kill me. Still I have callouses like I had after playing guitar for 10 years. Callouses are NOT for girls! My gloves suck. I need to get real ones. Or something. My hands hurt more than anything else.

Now I’m sleepy. I need to eat though.

Oh and I kinda half dropped the bar on myself during the decent on my last DL. OK well, I used my quad to lower the weight because if I hadn’t the bar woulda come crashing down and I would have gotten yelled at. Hit right above my knee. The one with the tendinitis. Last week I had bruises up and down my shins. I think I need knee pads or something. That’s happened before.  I had a bruise in the same spot a few weeks back.  A huge ugly bruise. This will be the same no doubt. I can tell because it hurts. Bad. I actually almost left the gym to go buy an ice pack after I did it, it hurt that much.

Weight: 134.5
kcals: 3595

Uhm, so I lost what? 1.5lbs eating 1426 calories of crap - brownies, ice cream, donut, in one day.

How much do I love this “diet”?

Something weird is going on. I eat 1300 clean kcals and I gain weight. I not only triple the calories and dirty ‘em up but I reduce exercise burn by probably 40% and lose weight. I give up trying to figure this stuff out. I think it’s more like a crap shoot.

Just goes to show how utterly useless scale numbers are. My girth measurements are all pretty much the same I think. Didn’t do a caliper.

That all said, I did “go” yesterday. 3 or 4 times. Once, alot, at around 3am which kinda sucked because I had a hard time going back to sleep knowing I hadn’t eaten the entire batch of brownies. I don’t feel as pregnant now. My lower abs aren’t rock solid either. Too bad. I thought the ab workouts were maybe starting to actually work!

I’m really really struggling to determine just how many carbs I should consume. I’m already at 432g. I keep reading conflicting things. The book itself says 12-16g per kg lbm. That’s about 600g for me if I stick to the low end. That’s where I ended up last week - actually a bit over that, though I did the puke fest thing and so I don’t really have an accurate number.

I’d like to keep that scale number or something close to it. I’m afraid to eat anything else today. I was even thinking about doing some cardio just in case I overflow. I don’t care about lbm loss at this point. Not too much anyway.

I should just throw the damn scale away. It’s making me nuts with all its stupid lies.

And now I’m hungry. I hate that about carbs. I wasnt’ even hungry yesterday. I had to force myself to eat. In fact, the only reason I even “ate” pre-workout (like the books says I have to) was because I got to do the dextrose. Otherwise I would have justified not eating with the fact that the workout goal was depletion.

Today I woke up famished - after a 3500+ calorie yesterday! I just ate a 400 calorie breakfast 2 hours ago - 45% carb, 30% protein, 25% fat. I’ve had a crap load of caffeine (isn’t this what they put in “diet” pills? p.s. it doesn’t work). I’m hungry already.

Carbs kill me. I’ve found a new love for low carb diets despite the fact that I’m not a believer in extremes.

That said, the low carb workouts are starting to annoy me. I don’t want to do them. I love being in the gym which means low carb isn’t something I can do forever. I just love the not being hungry thing. I guess my focus during maintenance will be trying to find the balance - enough carbs to keep me fueled, few enough to keep me from wanting to eat non-stop. I suppose it could just be all the sugar I consumed that’s giving me the out of control eating feeling. I hate having to battle the cravings and the voices in my head. I just want to live in peace! Drama ain’t my thing!

I guess that means I’ll have to try a low sugar carb up next week. I will miss my brownie sundae.

25 grams of Maltodextrin
15 grams Dextrose
23 grams Whey

I feel like I drank a keg of coffee. I’m wired and literally dizzy. Almost like I’m drunk.

I only got in 30 minutes of cardio. I did a Firm video this morning. It wasn’t nearly as challenging as it was 60lbs ago but I still got an OK workout. At least it was a change in routine. That never hurts. Though my knees didn’t take too kindly to the lunges and jumping stuff.

I was going to do 30 on the Arc before weights but something happened and I couldn’t focus nor sit on that thing for 30 minutes, no way, no how. Not after this happened:

I go to fill up my water bottle. Mr. Walking Pheromone comes over and asks me if we won the lottery. I’d asked his birthday last time I saw him. Told him mine was broken and I needed new lottery numbers. It was actually my way of getting to talk to him AND find out his sign because I like the Astrology stuff.

I inform Mr. Walking Pheromone that no, we didn’t win Mega Millions but it’s OK because no one else did either. He tells me how he had a dream about me. I ask him if I won. I nearly pass out when Mr. Walking Pheromone tells me it was a “naughty” (his words not mine) dream about us. Then he goes, “True story.”

Of course idiot me who can never think of anything good to say says something totally and utterly ridiculous and open to extremely negative interpretation like, “It’s not a true story, it was a dream.”

Duh. How stupid can a person be? I’ve lusted after this guy for literally a year now, and I nearly tell him to f-off?

I get on the Arc and am like OMFG. I can’t stop smiling. Then my mp3 player freezes. Then I get off the Arc. I gotta go tell Mr. Pheremone that what I meant to say was, “Show me.”

And that’s just what I did.

So, only 30 minutes of cardio today. I figure I’ll make it up eventually. A different form of cardio than the Arc, but hey, it’s good to mix things up a bit. Kinda gotta shock the body out of homeostasis every now and then.

Whoo hooo I get to eat  caramel truffle brownie sundae tonight!

Weight: 136
kCals: 1302
Carbs: 19% (61.5g)
Workout: Ab circuit, 20m treadmill, 40m Arc

Hanging leg raises: 3×10 - These are getting too easy. Not sure if I’m working the abs correctly. I start from a dead stop, hanging, then lift knees to chest.

Woodchop: 1×12x3 plate. My form was sucking and I couldn’t seem to find the groove, so I stopped.

Jack knife: 3 x 12

Lateral Raise: 2 x 12 x 25

Plank on Ball: 2 x 2 min.

Plank w/static leg raise: 1 x 2 min.

uhm……

Week 2, Day 1
Weight: 139.5
kcals: 1536
Carbs: 94.37g (going for 75g. oops) So, that’s like 25% carb.
Depletion workout: lower body- 90+ minutes, cardio - 60 minutes

Day 2
Weight: 138
kcals: 1387
Carbs: 69.9g - 20%
Depletion workout: upper body - 90+ minutes, cardio - 40 minutes - Wanted to 60. OK not wanted really but woulda had I not had cramps/bloating/gas. ugh. It went something like this in my head which was battling me the entire time:

“I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m in pain. I have to pee. So what if I just went 3 times during weights. 40s good. Get the fuck off the Arc. If you don’t I will take you out at the knees.”

Day 3
Weight:

139.5 (!!!!)(WTF???!!!?)

The scale is not my friend today or I just get fat on low cal/low carb.

Not giving up yet up jeez that number really threw me. Could be the “irregular” f-ing thing again or TOM I guess. I really wish I had a clue.

It’s been 3 days since things have moved.  I don’t know what the issue is. I get 20-30g fiber low cal. 30-40g on typical days. Could be dehydration maybe? I do suck at water. I drink it but generally only get 60 oz on average.

So anyway. I wasn’t even hungry yesterday. Only time I get really hungry is in the morning and during and after workouts.  Hunger pangs (why isn’t it pains? It does hurt after all!) during depletetion workouts make me a bit queezy.

I was aiming for 1500 kcals yesterday but was bloated after dinner and not into whey before bed.  Too much salad I guess! I love me some salad. I gotta check the sodium on the dressing. It’s no fat, no carb, 5 cals per 2tblsp,  but so I guess there has to be something giving it flavor. Mostly it’s just vinegar though. I like me some vinegar. Anything with tons of flavor like that makes me not hungry.

I gotta say, those depletion workouts are not fun anymore. I liked ‘em last week. I walked into the gym yesterday and wanted to turn around and leave.  Maybe ’cause I knew I was gonna be there for 2-3 hours. That’s the first time I’ve felt like that.

Just the day before, as he was leaving, my Mr. Perfect, Mr. Walking Pheromone, grabbed my hand and told me not to stay too long. He was touching me!! He was touching me with the very manly hand attached to those very manly vascular forearms I couldn’t stand to look at just 10 minutes earlier.

I melted. And then I stammered. The I blurted out whilst slurring like a drunk, “But I like it here. I like it better when you’re here. Touching me. Please don’t stop touching me. Ever!” OK, no I didn’t say that. But I thought it. Yes I did, uh huh. Hey, he was touching me, what else was I gonna think?

Alrighty. I’m feeling a bit better today. Weight is back to where it was before I started Ultimate Diet 2.0.  Thigh and calf are +.25″, belly (girth around naval where all my abdominal fat hangs because of the excess loose skin that doesn’t hold things where they should be hence the tummy tuck!) is up .25″ as well. Caliper measurement is back to where it started, perhaps even maybe down a bit. So, considering the following:

1. PMS or TOM is here. Gotta be because I’ve been famished for the past two days despite having eaten over maintenance on Day 6). PMS always gives me insatiable hunger. Plus I was a miserable bitch yesterday until I did cardio. That’s always a “tell” as they say in poker.

2. Navy formula (what I use to calc bf%) are all down, giving me a fat loss of .8 and a LBM gain of .8 lbs.

3. Here’s the key part: After 1 week of Ultimate Diet 2.0 bf% is down .6% to 19.2% - where it was when I started week 2 of pre UD 2.0 maintenance (which ended up being a bit over maintenance!).

So, it would appear that I did not do as much damage as my (as is all too typical when the scale taunts me) hysteria yesterday led me to believe.

I woke up today thinking I wouldn’t continue UD 2.0. Now I think I may see if I can tweak a bit. I really don’t think the super low cal thing works well for me. I think I will try upping the cals but maybe adding some more light cardio work. Cardio does wonder for my head.

Yesterdays workout:

20 min Arc, 10 min treadmill (and my knees don’t hurt STILL!)
Hanging Leg Raise 3×10
Horizontal Woodchop 2×12x2 plate
Lateral Extension 1×12x25
Planks on Ball 2×120, 1×90

I’m up another pound.

I do not have time to play with this diet. I have 6 weeks to my surgery and instead of losing weight, I’ve gained it. And it’s not just fluid.  The fat roll on my stomach is fatter. I can tell just by the way it feels when I squeeze it. Fluid or fat? God. This sucks.

Over the past 3 days I’ve eaten 8119 calories. Minus a BMR of 1550 x 3 days leaves me with 3469 surplus kcals.  That’s not even a pound, OK call it a pound, two max if my BMR is lower, and here I am up 6.5 lbs.  All of my measurements are up.

That 1550 BMR doesn’t include an hour of cardio and 2+ hours of resistance training. I am so blah and bloated right now and pissed. Pissed pissed.

I Googled “Ultimate Diet 2.0 log”. I ended up learning that most women have not done well on this diet without modifications. Basically, it’s designed/written for men. Just like most everything else I’ve been reading lately related to weight training, dieting sub 22% bf, bodybuilding, etc.

I’m sick of the women’s “diet” sites like Spark People and others. That stuff is just crap, plain and simple. They are telling some women to eat sub 1500 cals a day. Yeah, maybe that’s fine if you don’t get up off your ass. Ever.

I must have PMS. I am a raving cranky bitch today. GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

OK, so, I need a new plan to get rid of this fat. What? Likely typical lower cal, cardio, blah fucking blah. I’d just do another week but I don’t have another week to mess around with and I don’t know what modifications to try.

I know for sure that the low cal thing doesn’t work for me. 1.5 years of doing that should have taught me something. But no. AND, I can’t function on such low cals. I think carbs are too low as well because once I added them back it was like I couldn’t control myself. I ate until I puked. That’s never happened to me before. AND, low carbs makes cellulite more apparent. AND high carbs makes my skin shiny. I looked like crap low carbing.  Yesterday I was glowing, shiny. Like a girl should be! So, no more super low carbs for me for sure. Not right now anyway.

I should have went with my gut. I didn’t think 3 weeks was long enough to do this. I should have went with my gut. I didn’t think it was working when after a carb fest followed by 3+ days of 1200 kcals I lost only 2lbs. I can do that eating 1800 kcals and doing crap loads of cardio. No need to be a mental zombie.

Who knows? This seeming failure may be related to my ever increasing irregular menstrual cycle and other aforementioned irregularities. I actually did go last night.  It wasn’t exactly regular but hey at least it’s moving.

Alright. Enough bitching.

Weight: 143 (ugh) That’s +5.5 from yesterday. Carb load went OK. I did more than I’d planned. I orginally was intending to do 10g carbs per kg/lbm as I was afraid I hadn’t depleted entirely.

Given the puke fest I then figured I’d better do the minimum 12g to make up for whatever didn’t get digested Friday night.

Ended up doing 14g which is middle of the road.  Waist and belly measurements are up an inch. Hips stayed the same. Thigh is up half an inch. Biceps same. Caliper measurement at hip is + 1/2 - 1mm.

I didn’t go nuts carb or calorie wise so I’m blaming the fructose. Damn red grapes are like crack to me.  I’m also still not “regular” and I’m getting irritated. It’s been probably 3 weeks I’ve been having issues on and off, mostly on. I’m ready to start smoking again. That’ll fix things.  So, that may very well be what’s up with measurements being up so much.  I’ve seen it before. Though that says nothing about the caliper #. We’ll see what Tuesday, day 1, brings.

Here’s todays workout:

DL: 2×5x165, 1×5x175
Leg Press: 1×6x260, 1×6x280, 1×6x300
BB Row: 1×4x95, 1×5x95, 1×6x95
Glute Ham Kicks: 1×6x9 plate, 2×5x10 plate
Low Row: 4×6x9 plate
Calf Raise: 4×6x190
Incline DB Press: 3×6x70
Flat DB Fly: 3×6x60
OH Wide Grip Assisted Pull-up: 1×6x12, 1×6x11, 1×4x10
Pec/Bi Dip: 2×6x8, 1×6x6
Tri Dip: 1×6x8, 2×4x4, 2 unassisted
Chins: 2.5
MP: 1×6x55 (machine) 1×6x50 (DBs), 1×3x60 (DBs)

My weight in the a.m. was 137.5. Not great but hey at least lower. I felt fine. Not tired. Not foggy headed. Good even. Did 40 minutes on the Arc before breakfast. Went home. Ate. Started feeling queasy, tired, oh so very tired. Stayed that way the rest of the typical low cal, low carb day. Counted the seconds until pre-work up mini carb up.  Had a bannana, whey, and a high fiber English Muffin. I’ve decided I don’t like those anymore. Zippo flavor. Cardboardy.

Weighed myself again pre-workout. Still 137.5. Cool. Didn’t get my usual 2-5lb afternoon gain.

Go to the gym and did 20 more on the Arc pre workout as I figured I would probably blow it off if I waited until after.  Did the final depletion workout. I was surprisingly strong. Stronger than last workout. Carbs are wonderful, wonderful things. I also had 5g creatine as well. I’m sure that helped. Did 3-4 sets for all but calfs, bi/tri, and abs.  Though arms probably ended up getting more work than anything else as usual.
Left the gym and went to the grocery store ot buy my uhm, “carbs”. Pretzels, non-fat ice cream, and caramel turtle brownie mix. OH and my M&Ms!

Opened the pretzels as soon as I got into the car. I love pretzels. I love salt. Sometimes I get the urge to buy a bag of pretzels just so that I can suck the salt off of them. Sick, I know.

Got home, had my PWO shake which wasn’t my usual PWO shake because I didn’t have any vanilla EAS whey. I only have the slow casein/egg stuff. So, I had to use the chocolate Designer Whey which tastes like crap to me.

Had some grapes. Maybe 20 or so. Had some more pretzels.

Went to Target to get a belt for the kid. Eat my M&Ms while I’m waiting for him. I couldn’t wait any longer for those M&Ms. Well, I coulda. I just didn’t wanna.

On the way home I stopped to buy Freihofer’s chocolate chip cookies because kid doesn’t like the brownies I bought. They had nuts. God forbid. The kid will eat a jar of peanut butter in one sitting but put a few walnuts near him and he freaks.

Freihofer’s taste nowhere near as good as I remember them tasting when I was a kid. In fact, I kind of didn’t even like them. I shoulda bought the damn pink Hostess Snowballs. Oh well.

I ate 6 of the “these taste like crap” cookies while I was sitting in the car filling out my Mega Millions lottery card.  Did I think they would taste better if I kept shoving them down my throat? I dunno.  Oh, and no, I didn’t win the 145 million. Again. I wonder why I never win that damn thing.

After cookies I stopped to pick up take out. I ordered the Veal and Peppers which came with pasta. Yummy pasta. Really yummy pasta. And sauce. Which was apparently more oil than sauce.  I ate maybe a cups worth. A cup including veal, peppers and pasta. I had about 2.5 ounces of bread. I was stuffed. Started feeling dizzy. I had to go lie down.

Watched some Tivo’d “Workout”, the Bravo reality show.  Started feeling like that pasta tasted way too good for me not to eat some more. So I did. Couldn’t fit in much more before I got that stuffed sick feeling again.  I should probably mention here if I haven’t already that I’d been constipated for 3 or maybe 4 days by this point. Stuff just wasn’t moving. So, I go lie down again. I think I fell asleep for a bit. Watch some more Tivo.

I’ve still got the ice cream and brownies waiting for me.  First I have more pasta because damn that stuff is good.  All told I probably ate about 2-3 cups over the course of the night.  I decide it’s too late to be baking brownies and I didn’t really feel like eating an entire brownie sundae anyway.

So, I just get me some ice cream. Because I’m hungry? Uhm, no, not quite.  In fact I’m stuffed. I can’t fit anymore food. Ice cream is supposed to help digestion isn’t it?  That’s why they give it to sick people.  Right?

I eat about a cup, if that.

Then it happened. Things started moving. I had cold sweats, I was in pain, my entire abdomen was engorged, swollen, hard as a rock. I looked to be about 4 months pregnant.

I quickly became unconstipated. I quickly became nauseous.  I so, sooo, SOOO, badly, I can not tell you how badly, wanted to stick my finger down my throat but I couldn’t as I was too busy being unconstipated. I literally thought I’d OD’d on food or sugar or something. I quite honestly began to think I should call 911. I was in that much pain. It wasn’t just the nausea - it was my entire abdomen feeling like it was going to explode!

And then I puked. And then I went to bed.

I woke up and am the same weight I was yesterday. How that happened I dunno.  I guess it had something to do with things getting “moving” again. Or I just puked up all the carbs/cals/fat/chemicals/poison? No way to tell. I don’t know what got digested and what didn’t. If it takes 3-4 hours to digest then I doubt any pasta or bread was digested. Certainly the ice cream wasn’t.  I dunno how to go from here. Maybe I’ll just count half the pasta & bread.  I didn’t even vomit all that much, considering the amount of food that felt like it was sitting in my stomach. Felt to be, oh about a ton. Give or take.